Numb

It's been a while since I wrote anything down..I am starting to realize that I am comfortably numb in life. I have such an amazing life and an incredible husband, mom and family...

But it's getting more difficult to express how I feel. Steve tells me a hundred times a day how much he loves me and how he is still madly in love with me. Why do I have such a difficult time telling him that I adore him? He is the hardest worker and does everything for me. I am just at such a stagnant place in life...nothing motivates me. I cry out to God for children..Steve and I feel so ready...we are ready to have children 24/7, not just half of the day in my daycare. I am tired of being treated as though I can't understand the true meaning of life because I haven't given birth to a child! Thankfully my sister Aubrey understands me and does not treat me like all the other women do. The "oh you just cannot understand...it's not the same until it's your own" mentality. Of course there are a lot of stressers I don't have to worry about because these are not my children...duh! I don't have to worry how they will grow up or if they will be raised right...or the 24/7 responsibility on your shoulders...but if you think i dont know how to love or rear a child because I have not given birth to them, think again. I have helped raise more children than you can imagine. I could take an armful of children into my home and love each and every one as if they were mu own!

I am also tired of taking pills...worrying about my health. Diabetes, neuropathy, hidradenitis suppirativa, being overweight....all of this stuff takes a huge toll on me mentally. It makes me feel old, disgusting and useless. I often feel like a failure as a wife. I want to be doing all of the things I should to be Steve's helpmate...but I am so physically unable to take care of this home.

I know two great places in my life to start 'getting better' but I do nothing to make them better. I just walk around most days like a zombie...numb to the world.

God Please save me from myself....

So, I'm feeling overwhelmed .. Life is just....kind of weird and tough right now. I will start with the word CHANGE. So much is changing all around me-and I'm just confused. Of course, Gigi is not getting any better. I have days where I know she's in pain & I wish Jesus would just take her. Other days, internally I freak out because of her role in my life...and the SO MANY THINGS and situations that I wont know what to without her. What if I need a pair of jeans taken up? What if I can't find something in this house? What if I need to make biscuits ..? I have always ran to her. I remember feeling these things when Pawpaw got sick. He was always our mechanic. He just....couldn't...anymore. Secondly-in one word-ECONOMY. Broke. May have a mortgatge/taxes/bills/ect so very very soon. There are NO jobs, and the only ones that seem available out there are impossible. God-seriously-help us. I don't know many people who aren't potentially going to lose EVERYTHING. Thanks, Obama, but I don't think another 750 billion dollar stimulous is really going to help us out. Maxed out your credit card? NO PROBLEM-JUST GET ANOTHER ONE. I LOVVVVEEE my daytimes here. Babies. I love em'. I would be happy doing this forever. But, I kinda need more babies but I can't right now-because of Gigi. Its okay though. Steve is really really looking for something more along the 'full time with benefits' line...but so far no sucess. And third....its this whole fertility/pcos/overweight/insulin resistence thing. I did the Provera...then the birth control....and now I'm ALMOST totally done with the BC-in time to start the Clomid .. so that we can .. conceive. Months ago, Dr. Vice was all 'oh, don't worry, even if you don't have insurance you can afford the Clomid'. Ok, all fine and good. But, with Clomid .. you have to go get bloodwork, ultrasounds .. and see the doc a bit. I don't have insurance anymore. So, yeah, I officially discovered this today & texted Steve....while we've been waiting over three months to get this process started...REALLY, its got to be on hold for now. I'm kind of getting tired of my christian mentality of convincing myself 'oh, don't worry Libby, if you are meant to have children, you will! God will do it'. While that is OH so very TRUE...it doesn't make it easier. There are LOTS of nice young CHRISTIAN women out there who DON'T have children. There are also lots of scuzzy crack addicted women out there who DO have children. If I go off my birth control now .. I risk very highly messing up my ONE remaining ovary as it could get more cysts. Another thing I need to do is read this book on Insulin Resistance. I haven't. I need to. I need to eat right. I need to loose tons of weight. I need to excersise. I need to make changes or I fear I will die far too soon. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. Steve is my rock & we have a wonderful marriage, but he just...can't...understand. And life is just going on all around me and I'm starting to feel like a shut-in. I'm so happy that everyone's life is just flourishing...seriously. I'm just starting to realize that, other than Steve, I really have no one to talk to. While I have wonderful friends who I know will listen...just like me...they have lives. School, work, babies, husbands, boyfriends, church, kids....ect. I think the older we get, the busier we get-and even though we accumulate husbands, children, more friends-we all get so busy that we just never have time to talk...and I can't just see an old friend and pour out my life story and guts after running into them. I have learned I am a person with walls...and I have to feel a level of closeness and intimacy with someone to some level before being open...and I'm not someone who can open up to someone else without them being open with me. So much has happened in these past months, and the longer I stay walled up, the higher up I build the walls and realize I REALLY have no one BUT my family. Guess that is why they always say that family is most important. I just used to think of all of my friends like family....but I guess that mentality is more on a highschool level. I don't know. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING. Shower, laundry, clean, cook, ect ect ect...I worry that my lack is gonig to start effecting Steve. I pray it doesn't. I was growing so close to God there for awhile-it was starting to be normal again-and then I let life & apathy get me down... I think after reading this big, long, blog...The resounding theme is just running through my head....to focus completely on God because everthing I've written about here will be worked out if my focus is right. I wish I could have spared myself typing for almost an hour. (sigh)

it hurts me....

Ok, so, its another rant of mine I suppose. I'm just….just kinda sick to my stomach. I'm just so frustrated seeing kids and adults alike who I REALLY thought loved God & truly had a relationship with him go to the wayside. I mean, I understand the prodigal son story. That son may have rebelled for a while, but he came back home. How can you have truly had a relationship with God, and have known Him, TRULY known Him, and turn from it? I don't mean just a time of rebellion-but truly change your heart, your morals, your beliefs…..and all for the sake of the world & what it has to offer? False love. False hopes. False fantasy. To truly change you BELIEFS…what you say in your heart of hearts? I have certainly had my share of days in rebellion….and I never wish to go back there again. I am not above the rest of anyone else. How can we so quickly turn our entire focus off of our God & King and just focus on us and what we want? God lets us do that though….and He lets us also suffer from our consequences. We may have a tiny period of momentary pleasure in our self seeking, but we will have a lifetime of consequences and longsuffering. God, how did I ever turn my eyes off of you? How did I rebel for so long?? Now, even though I don't feel guilt or shame for my past, I feel rather awkward even writing this blog, because I imagine being seen like a hypocrite. But, fact is, I don't care. I can't imagine the things I used to do, I can imagine the things I used to say. My mouth was so so dirty-like a sailor…and fact is, it still needs a lot of cleaning. But, I feel that God has cleaned my heart. I have been growing in relationship and freedom so much in the past year & I am so thankful to God for it. He's sweeping my house clean and removing distractions from my life and things that bring me down. It doesn't, however, make my heart hurt any less about seeing people fall aside and ignore God & His love & plan. I hurt more to see children who are the product of their parents. Children who GREW UP knowing God's love & plan.. Who now walk, talk, and life like they've never known Him. Kids I've seen grow up in youth ministry, trained. All I can wonder is, did they ever know Him? Did I ever know Him in my times of rebellion? I don't know. I don't want to be there again.

3We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. 4The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5But if anyone obeys his word, God's love^[b] is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: 6Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

1 John 2

My heart can only cry right now. I can only pray. I pray that God will do whatever He has to in His power to draw those who, hopefully, once knew Him back to Him. He just stands at the door & knocks…………..unfortunately most people never answer. This guy, Jesus, laid down His life & has promised us all things under Him….and we actually chose to take control of our on lives?

garsh I'm blessed

I got this INCREDIBLY sweet email tonight from my hubby...........I had to share it with you few that I let read my 'preferred' blogs ;) I love him hehehe




Hey baby,

It's been awhile since I sent you an email, obviously there is not much of a need to do this since we are together now. However, I decided to do this anyway just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I want to tell you again that I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT committed to our love, our marriage and our walk with God. There's been a lot going on lately and that's likely to continue, but the one thing more important to me than anything else in this life, besides God, is you and our marriage.

There was a Dear Abby letter today from a woman who had dated a man and liked him but gave him up because he was 27 and still lived with his mom. Her friend ended up dating him and was very happy with him, since she felt he had so many other good qualities that it didn't really matter that he still lived with mom.

I think back about how when you met me I was still living with my mom and working at EB. Not exactly a success in life (not exactly a failure either but...) and of course I didn't drive either and I was always wondering if those things would prove too much of a deal breaker. But you saw through all that to the real me and it means so much me that you think highly of me, because I do my best to treat you with love, honor, dignity and respect as I believe any good husband should a wife.

You took a chance on me. You know that and I know that. We know now that it was God's will. Still, when you first met you immediately keyed in on those positive qualities about me and realized I was a "good catch". I feel the same about you, I feel so lucky to have ended up with someone like you. My life has changed so much and I've had so many wonderful experiences with meeting you.

Earlier tonight I was thinking how much enjoy I living here because I feel like I have a close family to live with again (not that I didn't like living with mom but you know what I mean). There is still drama around here at times but unlike with mom I am seldom, if ever, in the middle of it which is very very relieving to me.

So I want to thank you for loving me and accepting me for who I am. I simply cannot put into words how thrilled I am to be married and sharing my life with someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. I

I love you so much Baby....

Heart of the matter

My wonderful husband Steve wrote this to me 7 days before we were married............

Heart of the matter

She needs to know it is her I think of before falling asleep,

And again when I wake up.

She needs to know I love her so very deeply,

On a level I never thought I'd love anyone.

She needs to know there's a day that goes by,

That I don't thank God for her and the blessing He has given me.

Her passion, zest for life and loving heart,

Are some of the most wonderful qualities a woman can have.

She needs to know that I owe so much to her,

I am who I am now because of her.

She is the night to my day, the sun to my moon,

A perfect match, a constant partner.

She needs to know how lucky I feel,

To have found her.

She needs to know how proud I am,

To call her my wife

She needs to know how much I truly love her.

And since I can't say it well enough with words,

I'll let my actions speak for me.

let the beauty in one simple wildflower fill you with awe

So, its September. How lovely. Fall is my favorite season & I have to say I'm hoping for a good fall!

So, we've been married now almost 4 months-and married life is DEFINITELY becoming more normal & more wonderful everyday. The days are mundane sometimes...Steve goes to work, comes home, goes to work, comes home. But, I would rather have him by my side than anything. Maybe I'm still too much of a newlywed...or maybe my head is just in the clouds...but I'm starting to think that a lot of people make marriage out to be MUCH harder than it has to be. Bad things happen...lots of circumstances such as illness, debt, broken windshields during hurricanes, fighting family members, ect.., but, if the core is strong between you & your spouse...am I wrong to think that there is so much comfort & security in that core foundation? Steve & I are certainly facing a lot of uncertainties, and we're still calm & happy & have a great relationship. I am growing...trying to learn slowly what it means to really be a wife. Its definitely going to take me a while-but we're very happy learning. And our relationship is very strong throughout everything. God is the glue that holds us happily together.

I mean, its scary to think about so many things that are going on right now in both of our lives. We both have two close family members sick with pancreatic cancer, one who lives with us (Gigi). He is working a job that is great today, but of course a career in sales is always shaky. But, we hold onto the promises of God...He will always take care of us. He gives us joy in times of sorrow, and always provides for us.

We are blessed to have wonderful friends both near & far who are so amazing. We both have great families. I am just filled with joy when I think of these things. I am MORE than excited to be welcoming in some amazing new kids into the bunch soon (several friends having children).

Speaking of children, I'm not sure if I've shared it or not, but Mom & I have kind of decided to start keeping kids during the days here at the house. So far we're just keeping Hunter, but will probably be adding some others in here soon, too. I'm excited...I want to be a blessing to people who cannot afford 120 bucks a week for childcare (by charging a good bit less than that). Children are such a joy-Steve & I hope to have them in God's timing!

Well, this was CERTAINLY a random update blog thingy. HEHE. YAY. I'm off now. Bored.

Wedding

Well, the wedding has came and gone. I know I should be off of this dang computer spending time with my new husband, but he is eating a bagel & watching the Simpsons LOL.

All I can say at this point in life is that it is good. I have good friends and family that love me through my stressing & worrying, and bring me comfort and love. I wish I could've spent MORE time with SO many more people...I am truly sad to see some of them leave yesterday & today & tomorrow. But, there are always other times. We are glad everything is over & we are glad that it was THE BEST DAY OF OUR ENTIRE LIVES.

Thank you to those who were selfless in giving-asking nothing return-who didn't complain about my stressing, or whining.

Steve and I just can't stop sayin 'Does it feel like we got married yesterday?' LOL truth is it doesn't. Its still just me & Steve. Like it has been, like it always will be. Its just us. We love one another....and in the end, thats all we want right?

I've only been married just over 24 hours-but, yeah-if I were you I'd DEFINITELY give it a try-I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving & serving and worshiping the ground that Steve walks on.

Mrs. Libby Sandoz

Good things come to those who wait, right? I feel like good things keep coming & coming. I am feeling so blessed these days that I can hardly contain it. I mean, are things perfect sunny days & roses? No, of course not. We were never promised that. But I feel well taken care of by my Maker & so blessed. I have the most amazing & wonderful very-soon-to-be-husband in the world. He's the most loving and caring person on the face of this earth...I STRIVE to love with the passion & joy & consistency that he does every single day. He is growing so much as a person. I am SO proud of him. He is overcoming things each and every day. I look up to him and admire him SO much.

At church this morning we prayed together (Me & Steve) about our life, finances, and upcoming wedding. We've been particularly concerned about money, as most people are with the economy the way it is. And we got back to the house & you know what? Steve checked his bank account and had MORE money in there than before. Apparently his insurance claims, which we didn't think he would get back, came through!! I feel so blessed.

Maybe I'm starting to understand grace & blessings? I fail constantly. I am as imperfect as they come. Yet, God always takes care of me, abundantly. Why? I don't know. But that is where grace comes in.

Wedding is so close. Like 27 days. I have people coming out of the woodworks to love & help me during this time. I am the most stress free bride I believe on the planet...who has nothing better to do on her Sunday afternoon than hang out with her handsome fiance & set up a pool in the back yard. Thank you ALL for your help to all of those who are helping me. Thank you to God who always provides, blesses, and gives abundant grace.