So, I'm feeling overwhelmed .. Life is just....kind of weird and tough right now. I will start with the word CHANGE. So much is changing all around me-and I'm just confused. Of course, Gigi is not getting any better. I have days where I know she's in pain & I wish Jesus would just take her. Other days, internally I freak out because of her role in my life...and the SO MANY THINGS and situations that I wont know what to without her. What if I need a pair of jeans taken up? What if I can't find something in this house? What if I need to make biscuits ..? I have always ran to her. I remember feeling these things when Pawpaw got sick. He was always our mechanic. He just....couldn't...anymore. Secondly-in one word-ECONOMY. Broke. May have a mortgatge/taxes/bills/ect so very very soon. There are NO jobs, and the only ones that seem available out there are impossible. God-seriously-help us. I don't know many people who aren't potentially going to lose EVERYTHING. Thanks, Obama, but I don't think another 750 billion dollar stimulous is really going to help us out. Maxed out your credit card? NO PROBLEM-JUST GET ANOTHER ONE. I LOVVVVEEE my daytimes here. Babies. I love em'. I would be happy doing this forever. But, I kinda need more babies but I can't right now-because of Gigi. Its okay though. Steve is really really looking for something more along the 'full time with benefits' line...but so far no sucess. And third....its this whole fertility/pcos/overweight/insulin resistence thing. I did the Provera...then the birth control....and now I'm ALMOST totally done with the BC-in time to start the Clomid .. so that we can .. conceive. Months ago, Dr. Vice was all 'oh, don't worry, even if you don't have insurance you can afford the Clomid'. Ok, all fine and good. But, with Clomid .. you have to go get bloodwork, ultrasounds .. and see the doc a bit. I don't have insurance anymore. So, yeah, I officially discovered this today & texted Steve....while we've been waiting over three months to get this process started...REALLY, its got to be on hold for now. I'm kind of getting tired of my christian mentality of convincing myself 'oh, don't worry Libby, if you are meant to have children, you will! God will do it'. While that is OH so very TRUE...it doesn't make it easier. There are LOTS of nice young CHRISTIAN women out there who DON'T have children. There are also lots of scuzzy crack addicted women out there who DO have children. If I go off my birth control now .. I risk very highly messing up my ONE remaining ovary as it could get more cysts. Another thing I need to do is read this book on Insulin Resistance. I haven't. I need to. I need to eat right. I need to loose tons of weight. I need to excersise. I need to make changes or I fear I will die far too soon. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. Steve is my rock & we have a wonderful marriage, but he just...can't...understand. And life is just going on all around me and I'm starting to feel like a shut-in. I'm so happy that everyone's life is just flourishing...seriously. I'm just starting to realize that, other than Steve, I really have no one to talk to. While I have wonderful friends who I know will listen...just like me...they have lives. School, work, babies, husbands, boyfriends, church, kids....ect. I think the older we get, the busier we get-and even though we accumulate husbands, children, more friends-we all get so busy that we just never have time to talk...and I can't just see an old friend and pour out my life story and guts after running into them. I have learned I am a person with walls...and I have to feel a level of closeness and intimacy with someone to some level before being open...and I'm not someone who can open up to someone else without them being open with me. So much has happened in these past months, and the longer I stay walled up, the higher up I build the walls and realize I REALLY have no one BUT my family. Guess that is why they always say that family is most important. I just used to think of all of my friends like family....but I guess that mentality is more on a highschool level. I don't know. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING. Shower, laundry, clean, cook, ect ect ect...I worry that my lack is gonig to start effecting Steve. I pray it doesn't. I was growing so close to God there for awhile-it was starting to be normal again-and then I let life & apathy get me down... I think after reading this big, long, blog...The resounding theme is just running through my head....to focus completely on God because everthing I've written about here will be worked out if my focus is right. I wish I could have spared myself typing for almost an hour. (sigh)